I recently spoke with a parent whose son is struggling with alcohol and drug use.  “We are good parents,” she said, “no drug use, no child abuse; he’s got a nice, stable life.  This whole thing has made me anxious and angry. I yell at everyone.  I can’t sleep well.  I've lost it."

We spoke for over an hour before she said, “I’m disappointed in him.  I don’t like him.  He’s not who I want to be parenting. He embarrasses me and I’m angry at him for it.” 

Then she started LAUGHING! 

“Why are you laughing?” I asked

“Because I’ve never said that and it feels so good.  It’s not politically correct to not like your son, but I don’t like him right now and that’s just the truth.”

When we hold in the feelings that we really feel because they “shouldn’t” be said, they come out in other ways. Anger can come out as depression. Shame can look like anxiety.  We try to treat our depression and anxiety with every yoga class and medication available and it won’t go away because it’s not the real issue.

Real issues are often what is not said.  It may be ”I’m not happy with my life choices.” “I don’t like my kid, my spouse, my job.” “Antarctica in winter sounds better than another meeting with my book club, Parent Association,  Church….insert whatever works for you.  Real feelings don’t always need a solution. And they are often temporary. But they don’t go away if we are afraid to acknowledge them.

So put your arms around yourself.  Close your eyes and take a breath. Tell yourself what you really feel.  Say it out loud and release yourself from judgement. The heart feels as naturally as it beats and the feelings can’t be stopped.   Remind yourself that feelings are just feelings.  They don’t necessarily demand action. They aren’t necessarily “truth.”  They may seem bigger today then they will next week. But they do demand respect or they will pop up in other ways.  Then take another breath and tell yourself that you can get through this.  The feelings will dissipate or the situation will change and either way you can handle it. 
​
What “shouldn’t” be said is often what we most need to say.

Need a safe place to talk or think it through?  Book an appointment today in my no-judgement zone.  Counseling, medication, or both from one person with one stop.

The near pathological eating of sugary carbohydrates is the first sign of my life being out of balance.  As soon as an entire loaf of chocolate chip banana bread mysteriously ends up in my stomach without my noticing, I know it’s time to check in with myself.  I’ve found four questions that help me figure out what’s out of whack and direct me to get back in gear:

Are my goals in balance?

Are my values in balance?

Is my energy in balance?

Is my time in balance?

1)      Goals:  Is there a balance between my focus on future goals and my gratitude for the present?  I ask myself: what would I trade for a million dollars?  My arms? Legs? Child? Dog? Vision?  If I wouldn’t trade, I need to take time to be grateful for it.  

2)      Values:  Is there a balance between my core values and the reality of my life? If I care about exercise or cooking, for example, and I’ve eaten out and haven’t been to the gym in weeks, I’m going to feel that….

3)      Energy: Is the energy I’m expending matched with the energy coming in? Think of a child’s see saw – how much of my day actually GIVES me energy vs. just sucking it out? 

4)      Time:  Is there a sane, health-affirming balance in how my time is spent? I  Imagine a pie cut in eight slices, with each slice between a “non-negotiable” in my life, e.g.,  sleeping, eating, time with family, work, time alone, volunteering, exercising …Are the pie slices sized right to keep me happy or do I need to re-size the slices to fit better with what I need?  If I have a huge pie slice for work and exercise, but I’m not balancing that with good nutrition and sleep, I have a problem.

Stress THRIVES in the imbalance of these concepts.  The more imbalance there is, the more stress seeps in to our lives and sabotages our efforts to stay emotionally and physically healthy. The key is to periodically check in with these areas of our lives. They will not all be 100% balanced all the time, but they can’t stay out of balance for too long either.   Look at your see-saw?  How are you doing? Pick one thing, in one area, and make a commitment to get a bit more balance.  

"Sadie" ruminates endlessly about decisions and drives herself insane. In most aspects of her life she functions confidently but when it comes to decisions, she's paralyzed and seeks comfort in whatever a bottle or a few thousand calories can provide.  The cycle ain't working for her.


Can you relate? Do you feel stuck in a cycle of stress and self sabotage?  Here's today's sanity rescue --three steps to get you moving forward:

 Step one: Ask yourself: "At the time I am going crazy about ______ (fill in the issue), and engaging in ____________ (fill in self-destructive, un-helpful behavior) what do I believe about myself or the world?"


This question uncovers the "core beliefs" that shape our most basic behaviors and thoughts. Unfortunately, many of these beliefs were shaped in childhood and haven't been challenged since.

Sadie filled in with, "at the moment I'm going crazy worrying about doing the right thing, I'm drinking too much and I'm believing that if I make a bad decision, I lose value as a person.  Somewhere in my life I decided that my value was tied to making the 'right' choice and it's still messing with my head."

With her value as a human at stake, who wouldn't agonize over each fork in the road? If a belief is going to have so much influence, it better be true.  Time for...

Step two: Put the belief on trial and look at it objectively.  Did her value ACTUALLY go down when she had to un-do a poor college decision years ago? Was her value diminished when she had to repaint the tangerine-colored kitchen a more tolerable tone? Not a bit.  

Step three: Develop a more honest and helpful mantra, "Every choice can help me grow," she said. "Few choices can wreck my life. And a couple screwy decisions don't ruin my value as a person."

Many of us have deeply rooted beliefs holding us back. Figuring them out, challenging them, and replacing them with more empowering perspectives can have amazing results. 

The good news: In just a few sessions, you can create new energy to help you move forward.  Make an appointment and come on in!  See you soon!

Ever felt so stressed about not being how you’re “supposed to be” that you can’t be who you want to be? You’re not alone. Our language is full of suffocating identity labels keeping us in boxes. A “full time mom” won’t return to the work she loves for fear of losing the respect of her friends. A “high powered executive” worries he’ll look lame if he stops attending happy hours to stay sober.  A “good couple” worries their separate vacations will sabotage their image.

There is no objective book for how “good kids” “working women” “executives” “successful people,” or “happy couples” behave. But you would think there is, given how restricted we feel in how we behave once we’ve given ourselves, or been given, a label.  What’s amazing is that our associations with these words come from early childhood experiences and understanding of language.  But we forget that – and rarely re-evaluate the boxes we stick ourselves and others into.  Next thing we know, we’re a well-crafted character, but the play is a drag.

Here’s an example: A couple, bound by perceptions of how “married people” should act, neglect to take the separate vacations they crave. Instead they bicker incessantly when travelling and return home weary and distressed. With counseling, they realize they are basing adult relationship decisions on very childish, boxed-in views of how married couples should behave. Their parents travelled together, characters on TV travel together, so they figured they had to travel together.  Breaking out of this and doing what worked for them instead of what they thought “should” work for them was freeing and brought them closer to the wonderful marriage they both wanted.

Sound at all familiar? Ask yourself:  Am I locked in an identity that is holding me back?  Is my self-perception actually limiting the intimacy in my relationships? Am I a character in a play I don’t even like anymore?  If so, seek to drop the artificially created definitions that limit you.  Come in and talk about it.  Let’s find a better script and let you play the character you want!

*Like in all my writing, examples are fictionalized and are not based on specific clients, family members, or friends. 

Click on the link here to catch the 2-minute segment!
http://www.kmov.com/great-day-st-louis/Silence-Your-Inner-Critic--288067961.html

Meet YIC, short for “your inner critic.”  He’s a popular guest for the holidays.  He lurks around, whispering sweet nothings.  “Your gifts aren’t good enough.” “Your sister’s party is better than yours.” “You kids need better table manners.”  “You should do more, be more, accomplish more.” “What? Still single this year? Still not pregnant?  Still drinking? Still unhappy in your job?  Still overweight?” YIC is relentless, keeping such an insistent negative tape running in our heads that yuletide joy seems downright unattainable. Here’s how to uninvite him from the festivities:

1) Get YIC out of your head. When thoughts are set free from the brain and written down, they may seem less depressing, less overwhelming, or even less accurate.  When one client journaled negative thoughts about her low-paying job, she realized she had many reasons she liked it – convenience, flexibility.  Once she realized why she held on to that job, her negative tape quit running.

2) Recognize where YIC likes to hang out….and run! Some people always get snippy when looking at perfect smiling holiday cards or listening to their more wealthy friends talk about Lululemon gift sprees. Be aware of your triggers and avoid them.   Avoid that big spender like the plague this time of year and perhaps opt to boycott the display of holiday cards. 

2) Talk back to YIC.  You may still be single but perhaps you did some travelling, met some great people, redecorated?  You may still be drinking…but a lot less than last year.   Or your kids may need better table manners, but they just got straight A’s.  Don’t let YIC have the last word.

3) Separate what YIC thinks you should worry about from what you think you should worry about.  Though there may be pressure to change jobs, get married, have a cleaner house, or give more luxurious gifts, these might not actually be your priorities.  Don’t own stress that isn’t yours.

4) Give YIC some competition. Challenge YIC Sr (“your inner critic”) with YIC Jr (“your inner cheerleader.”)  Be silly. Have fun.  If you restrain yourself from spitting in the punch of that gossipy office mate, congratulate yourself! Give yourself a high five when you accomplish half of your to-do list.   Sing your praises if you eat four cookies instead of the preferred eleven.  

Plagued by an inner critic that just won’t quit? Come in after the holidays and let’s send him packing. Reduced fee visit certificates on sale through 1/5/15.

Think you’re anxious about that test, that meeting, that upcoming high school reunion. Think again.  It’s what we tell ourselves about an event, not the event itself, that’s usually to blame for stress.  The good news is that when we figure this out, we can reduce anxiety in no time.  Here’s how it works. 

Think of the acronym “ETC” – as in it’s not the event, it’s the “etcetera” of the event that causes anxiety to rise.   Event. Thoughts. Consequences

E.  The Big Event.  “I’m invited for dinner with friends.”

T.  Thoughts. “I’ll say the wrong thing.  People will notice I’ve gained weight.  I’ll be dressed differently than everyone.  I’ll make the event awkward.”

C.  Consequences.  Stress increases.  Self-consciousness increases.  “I’ll make an excuse to not show up at all.”

This hypothetical young lady tells herself that going out makes her anxious. But going out isn’t the problem.  It’s her thoughts, the “etcetera,” that make her anxious. 

Without stepping foot in the restaurant, she’s made four different assumptions, all negative, about what will happen. Without exchanging a word, she’s given herself reason to worry about everything from her clothes to her waistline.  She’s coronated herself “Queen of the Awkwards” without so much as a conversation. 

However, let’s say Nervous Nelly gets herself to a Therapist and begins to recognize that her unfounded predictions and tendency to assume the worst are what results in her ongoing anxiety about social situations.  She focuses on her thoughts, not the event, as the root of the problem. She starts to challenge these thoughts, testing and exploring them ever so gently.  When she gets the guts to go out, she finds that her friends say nothing about her weight and that conversation flows without the awkward silences she imagined.  

If our heroine had continued to focus on going out as the root of the problem, she would have refused more and more offers and found herself living the self fulfilling prophecy of feeling socially isolated and awkward. 

Focusing on the actual, not perceived, root of our stress allows us to make changes and get results.   Just a few sessions with a trained professional can help you identify the “etcetera” in your brain holding you back from the life you want.  Make an appointment today!

If you’re new to Saint Louis—meaning you’ve arrived in the last thirty years—the holidays can be tough.  Suddenly you find yourself seemingly alone amidst people engaging in the same holiday traditions, with the same people they’ve celebrated with, for decades.

It’s not you.  It’s Saint Louis.

In a town where “what high school did you go to” is asked, straight-faced, to fifty-year- olds, living here without family is no picnic.

Saint Louisans are friendly.  They just may not need new friends. They’re shopping with sisters. They’re lunching with friends from elementary school.  They’re out Saturday night with high school buddies and brunching Sunday with Grandma. Their plates are full.

Don’t get me wrong. Locals enjoy people from other cities. But locals don’t need these people. Who’s helping with carpool? Who’s coming to “Special Persons Day” at school? Where are we eating the holiday meal?  They’ve got it covered: family.  No worries.

It’s the needing of friends, not just the liking of them, that changes them from Saturday night buddies to people at the holiday table.  NEED is what pulls friends closer and makes them family.  

In Chapel Hill, where we lived for eight years, we’d have celebrated every holiday alone if we hadn’t made close friends. Most folks in Chapel Hill are transplants. Transplants need each other.  They need each other to show up and cheer at their kids play; help drive when Mom and Dad have the flu; listen to their tot brag about their soccer participation trophy; stay with the toddler when the new baby is born. Without friends, transplants are alone. 

Now we ‘re the ones with family in town (if in-laws count for my West Coast husband). Our ER support group is in order.  We have back up drivers and Grandparents at the school play. We know where we’re going for Thanksgiving dinner.

It’s the holiday season.  It looks charming but it can get really lonely. The non-locals in our midst 1) really need a place at the holiday table and 2) might contribute heartily to our lives if we pull them in.

We locals should call someone who doesn’t have family here.  Invite them for a holiday meal.  Move grandma down one chair.  We might end up making a great new friend, even if we don’t really need to.